Maria Sharapova's Primordial Scream

Every glass in Paris shattered this afternoon.  Shopkeepers tried to piece together why the windows to their stores lay in a billion pieces on the Champs Ellysees.  The massive traffic jams from blown out tires brought the entire city to a halt.  Packed emergency rooms treated injuries ranging from cuts on hands to removing shards of glass from eyes of those Parisians who wore eye glasses.   Every light bulb exploded…and The City of Lights went dark.

It took a few hours of painstaking detective work, but scientists got a lucky break when Maria Sharapova demanded medical attention for her strained vocal chords…and it was only a matter of time before this modern day biblical plague was traced to The Women’s Tennis Semi-Final at Roland Garros.

Enough already.  Something needs to be done.  The piercing shrieks, in addition to causing tinnitus en masse, are turning the women’s game into a joke.

Does Maria Sharapova put more effort into a shot than Rafael Nadal?  [For that matter, does her forehand cause her more pain than the systematic implementation of nailing one’s toes to a hardwood floor?]

There is simply no reason for the auditory assault; and Sharapova is hardly the only culprit. The Williams sisters, Ivanovic, and Portuguese teen phenom, Michelle Larcher de Brito all give Ella Fitzgerald a run for her money.

If the screams are involuntary as many claim, then the Women’s Tennis Tour should change its name to the Women’s Tourette’s Tour.  Please excuse the following redundancy, but…the demonstrative divas are as shrill as a bad horror flick.

Tags | French Open, Maria Sharapova, serena williams, Women's Tennis, WTA